I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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