Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
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asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize