I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I could make wine with my vomit
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
