tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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