I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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