i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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