she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
pray to the hookup gods
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
