omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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