Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
