Do you still have your period?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
