It's Friday. Sex?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
