You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Come share oat with me in your robe
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
