life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
