i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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