You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
