Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
time to smoke my breakfast
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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