Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
