I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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