Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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