Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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