a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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