So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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