I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The air was thick with penises
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
