I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
