I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
