my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
