I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
