I faked an abortion last night.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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