So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
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i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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