I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dick very happy bro
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
