When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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