So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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