theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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