At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
