Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
