I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
