he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
