i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
