theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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