Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
