No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
