Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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