i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize