I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just cropdusted the office
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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