so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
