I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
