and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
