so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
