Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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