recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
