I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
