we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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