im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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