His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
