I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
