Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
