he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
