Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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