Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
